I don’t know what to think anymore. Part of me is just angry. Angry that young black men seem to die at the hands of the police on a regular basis. I can’t talk about the facts in the case because I wasn’t there. I don’t know what the grand jury saw or heard. I’ve always been on the fence with this case based on what I read and the news coverage. But I’m angry because we always die. And it’s just too much. No one will ever fess up to the fact that African Americans are treated different by the justice system. All of the criminal justice facts tell you this, but as a country we ignore it. The jails filled with young black men tell you that something isn’t right with our justice system, but we refuse to question it. I knew the grand jury wouldn’t hand out any indictments for officer Darren Wilson, because the police always get the benefit of the doubt. I’m angry at myself that I can’t think clearly about these things at times. I wouldn’t never want to see an innocent man go on trial or imprisoned. It’s just hard to see all that is wrong with this country and the communities that I care most about. And sometimes it’s hard to walk these streets with the burden of my race not knowing if today you are friend or foe to those who were trained to serve and protect. Tonight I watched the streets of Manhattan swell with rage as the verdict was announced. I watched protesters march and scream obscenities at cops who stood stoic. I heard the pain in some voices as the screamed not just for Mike Brown but for the countless other “victims” of circumstance. Then I came home and watched another community burn and the stupidity of a mob “protesters” with blood on their hands. I don’t know if they realize that those businesses won’t come back. At least not for now. I don’t know if they realize that they are only making matters worse. I don’t even know what we do this. Why do we destroy our own community. Michael Brown’s father publicly asked for people to remain calm and not to dishonor his son’s life by destroying the community he loved. They didn’t listen. They never listen. I’m angry at the protesters who turn peace into another act of violence. I’m angry that when the smoke clears and the last embers extinguished that we will be right back where we started….a community and people marginalized, and I won’t know who to blame. I’m tired of just blaming “the system” but I know it’s power. I wish these moments were truly teaching moments. I wish people would just listen….learn….do different…want more…demand more…fight for more…. just fight. I’m tired of always seeing these images. I know black lives matter, but at the same time I’m not sure everyone else does…..even us.
I’m still waiting for change to come. I’m still waiting and wanting change to come.