Last night’s conversation was hard. I’m not quite sure how I feel right now. I’ve also felt like an outsider….not just with this group…but sometimes in this field. It’s an uncomfortable dance with privilege. I remember the first time I attended one of these gatherings….the only person of color in the room…..by mistake….or just happenstance…..but not the first time….and I’m sure it won’t be the last time either. My entry ticket…only made possible because of where I work. I guess that’s a form of privilege..I have access to spaces and conversations that others don’t. I understand this and sometimes I’m troubled by it.
Should I even be in this conversation?
Does my voice matter?
This space is uncomfortable to me. I don’t want to hold hands and tell you my feelings. They’re not always good. I don’t want to tell you that most of the time I’m jealous of the people around me. I’m jealous of their lives. I really don’t know how to feel….I just know it’s just hard always being the only one in the room.